Tourist typist goes shopping

With the revolving door of tourist typists moving in and out of the ranks of the Frostbite Falls Fishwrap, it’s hard to keep tabs on who’s who.

Each time we get a new reporter here, we have to endure the training period of this newbie, who gets scared out of bed when a fighter jet flies overhead or when he plays mix and match on the names and faces of the people in Streetbeat.

You’d think by now the Fishwrap would have a policy on topics these tourists should avoid writing about. Obviously they don’t, so I’ll help them out here.

This week’s Inuvik Dumb has an editorial titled “Getting the shaft,” where he whimpers about the high price of food here. The typist drones on about his trip to Whitehorse, where he found lower-priced food than Inuvik. What a revelation! Your Pulitzer is in the mail, Mr. Editor.

Here’s the first paragraph:

“Living in Inuvik, I go through phases where I lose track of the outside world and just accept certain things, good and bad, about living in a remote location.”

For starters, maybe your world exists outside Inuvik, but your readers’ world is right here. Maybe you feel Inuvik is remote, but this is the home of your readers. We all know you’re a tourist. You don’t need to remind us each week. 

As bad as this rag is, this is our newspaper -- not your fucking travelogue. Maybe your parents or buddies back home might appreciate hearing about your adventures on your little trip to our "remote" town, but you're paid to record the history of this place. 

Secondly, people who live here don’t need to be reminded of the cost of food. They’ve been paying it long before you stepped off the plane for your arctic adventure.

It gets worse. He moans on about paying $10 year-round for two litres of milk. I don’t know where he’s been buying his milk, but even when the road was out, I've never paid more than $9. 

The tourist calls for an “arm’s length government body” that would monitor the price of food on store shelves. Hate to break news to the news guy, but we already have that in place – it’s called the “free market.”

We have three grocery stores here that are all competing for our food dollar. The intrepid reporter might get off his lazy ass and go price check himself.

Another tip for the news guy: if you spend less time driving to Whitehorse and more time covering your beat, you might actually gain some credibility with your readers.

On a brighter note, I see the Fishwrap has snagged a shining star with the addition of Katie May. While the tourist was away shopping in Whitehorse, Katie picked up the slack in this week’s Dumb, with some fine news writing.

I’ll be sad to see her go, but that’s the reality. The good ones come for the experience and move on to the dailies in the south. The rest (like the mouth-breathing meat blob, Piggy Puglia) will go uncalled for and resort to spell checking in the integrity-free zone of the Fishwrap’s newsroom.